Hot mess

I don’t know what’s wrong with me this week. I have had zero motivation to get anything done, or even to make healthy choices. Yesterday was better than Monday, and today was better than yesterday, but I don’t know if I can make up for my slipups before it’s time to weigh in again on Sunday.

Speaking of weighing in, here were Sunday’s numbers:

Starting weight: 230

Last week’s weight: 222.2

Today’s weight: 220.6

Total inches lost – waist: -2 (I’ve decided I’m going to measure my waist at my bellybutton, not the “dressmaker’s waist” I’ve had to try to remember how to locate for 29 years; I think I’ve taken this waist measurement at least 3 places. Now they’ll be consistent.)

Total inches lost – hips: 1.5

Total inches lost – bust: 0.5 (like I really needed to lose inches here :\)

Total inches lost – arms: 0

Total inches lost – thighs: 0 (I need to find a similar landmark for my thigh. Just as high as the tape can go on the inside and straight across horizontally?)

I’m such a mess.

I don’t know why I’ve been so sad and fat this week. Besides that I ate a half a pizza on Sunday. And this was after I gave myself a “free day” on Saturday to eat greasy Chinese and drink booze. I passed on the birthday cake. Don’t tell my sister, she doesn’t know I didn’t eat her cake. I wasn’t trying to be rude. And I only had a couple drinks, with diet (aspartame! How scandalous!) cola. I did eat a half-ton of boneless spare ribs. But it felt like I screwed up way worse than I did. So on Sunday I felt like a fatass screwup and felt less guilt than I should have about the half-pizza. And Monday I felt guilty about the whole weekend, so I tried to track my points while I was at work, but I still picked salty, overprocessed, not-real-food choices like Cordon Bleu on the steam table (only 4 points!) rather than food that was actually good for me, like salad.

This is how nearly-week-long slipups happen, I suppose. I’ve skidded out of control.

I’m not going to follow the metaphor to the logical conclusion, however, and steer into the skid. That just sounds like  a recipe for disaster. Or cheesecake. Chocolate turtle cheesecake. Did I mention that instead of cruising Pinterest for fitspo, I’ve been lurking in seedier, tastier boards? It’s been great, but I really need to get out of that habit. I’ve already eaten way too much buttercream for a while.

It really wasn’t until Kaity texted me saying she wanted to cheat that I remembered that we were doing this together, that I should be just as accountable to her during the week as I was on Monday mornings. I feel guilty about saying higher numbers lost than she does, so maybe part of me doesn’t want to share the hard parts with her. I don’t know, I’m kind of dumb when it comes to social things. Always have been. When she texted me, I sent her a fitspo I’d put on my phone. Then I realized how important it is that I keep up with this blog. If I had kept up with it, I might not have been so discouraged and hadn’t screwed up so much.

Well, I’ll just count this week as a win as long as I didn’t gain weight.