Feel free to skip this one

It’s been a rough week.

I don’t know what triggered this, but it’s been a complete mental shipwreck.

It’s involved minor annoyances at work, a failed diet (although, to be fair, I haven’t regained weight, I just haven’t made any progress in a while), a terrible week for acne, a change of facebook profile picture which led to comments from coworkers about how happy I looked which made me worry that I was too much of a sourpuss at work (which I’ve been spoken to by my supervisor before, so I really want to avoid that impression), the remnants of Isaac causing a whole day of Soggy Sock Syndrome while accruing overtime I didn’t particularly want, topped off with gory & violent & recurring nightmares that leave footprints throughout my waking hours; all stressors that make me feel guilty or inadequate or like a failure. Any single one of the things that went wrong with my week by itself would have been fine, but it was just a miserable week for me, whether or not some of those stressors were ones I put on myself. My brain is broken like that. It’s just usually easier to deal with the broken parts than it was this week. All of those emotions came to a head and the psychological pimple burst last night in a shower of tears and cleaning and some much needed purging my living room of  junk and while I was miserable while it happened, I feel much better today (plus I have a clean couch to sit on and several loads of dishes done).

I do have to work tomorrow, but for some reason I’m actually looking forward to it. I needed a mental reset, and I think maybe yesterday’s climax and this afternoon’s class was what snapped me out of this funk I’ve been in. Tonight was a balance snatch skill (I got up to 3 rep max of 75 pounds) and burpee box jumps. I’m beginning to not dread either burpees or box jumps. I still hate them, just like I hate everything there, but I’m somewhere between dread and dislike now. The actual WOD was Nancy (see above) and I got cocky and tried to do it RX’d. I’m not sure what the hell I was thinking, or if I even was at all. On the third round we dropped the weight to 55# after just 3 squats, and I still stopped the WOD at the end of the 3rd round rather than try for a 4th and 5th one. I have no business trying one of the Girls RX’d, but I wasn’t really thinking about it being a Girl, I just looked at the work that needed to be done and thought I could do it. I was wrong, but I was confident. That’s an improvement all on its own.

Glad to finally be happy again, even if it’s just for this evening. I’m hoping I can stretch it longer, but that likely depends on whether I can get some good sleep.

Let me ‘splain. No there is too much. Let me sum up.

Good things come to those who work their butts off and never give up.

I’ve been a terrible blogger, but in good news, I was a fantastic Paleo-Challenge-r.

I forget how much I weighed when I started the Paleo Challenge 30 days ago, but as of this morning I weighed 202.2 pounds. That’s almost 30 pounds since I started this blog, and almost none of it was lost before I started Crossfit and almost none of it was lost before I started the Paleo Challenge. Not only was I eating strict Paleo, I also stuck to a Zone diet that kept my carbs below 100 grams a day. I lost 12 pounds the first week. I was miserable. But I got past it.

Nate was incredibly patient with me. I know I was not easy to live with. And more than just Nate, my friends, my coworkers, everyone who had to deal with me at the beginning of the month deserves something special. I couldn’t have done it without their encouragement/tolerance.

Today marked 31 days since the Paleo Challenge started, and my friends treated me to doughnuts and peanut butter and Pepsi Max and all the things I miss. I made a feast for dinner tonight full of comfort food. I miss cooking and feeling inspired by my ingredients. I don’t have the attention span for crochet or knitting anymore; my most relied-upon creative outlet anymore is my cooking. I won’t pig out like I did today for every cheat (I plan on having one every 1-2 weeks), but my sanity and progress towards my goal depends on having some. And when I have them, they’re going to be great. They’re going to be comfort foods. They’re going to be love. And I deserve it.

Although this was a 30 Day Challenge, it’s officially not over until next Monday. I’ll post with all my new measurements and non-numerical progress (including the reason for the best present I could have imagined from my BFF). I enjoyed my splurges today, but I’m absolutely ready to get back on the wagon and to finish slaying the monster I let myself turn into. I made huge progress this month, and I’m not done yet.

PC Day 3

I’ve made such a fuss over this, I’m not going to give up on day 3, but OH. MY. GAWD. I never thought I’d feel this bad.

Hungry all the time. Craving sweets like never before. So sleepy. My poops are awful (no warning, frequent, loose, and strange colors). Nate asked me what I wanted from the store just now and I said, “Nothing, I’m not allowed to eat anything.” Not true! But I’m in such a bad mood that I can’t think about anything except the food I’m not allowed to have.

I know it’s just my body getting used to this, but I just want to cry. And eat a gallon of ice cream.

It should be noted, Nate is being so supportive. It’s unbelievable. I don’t deserve a guy like him (just don’t tell him that).

When I see things like this

http://www.crossfit.com/mt-archive2/008299.html

The sticks by which we measure ourselves might be different, but this guy has all the same emotions as me. I was in tears.

It’s all downhill from here

By now I think everyone has seen this video, or one similar to it. My mom and I were talking about it, and she asked me if I’d do something like this when I get pregnant. The truth is, I’d love to do something like this when I get pregnant. I want there to be a thousand pictures of me when I’m pregnant, when I’m breastfeeding, when I’m raising my children. For that matter, I want to not hate looking at my (hopefully, maybe, someday) wedding pictures. It’s a vain and stupid reason to want to lose weight, but I’m being honest.

I’ve spent my entire life hating my body, especially my round full belly. Shortly after graduating high school, I decided that I was always going to be a fat girl and so why should I even bother? Now I see pictures of myself back then and hate myself for giving up when it would have been so easy to turn things around and now I have so much further to go. I didn’t believe my mother when she told me then that I wasn’t that fat, and now … ugh. Look at me. I’m enormous, and I’m only going to get enormous-er. No matter how bad I feel now, the worst is yet to come.